He Was Already There

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There are certain hymns I've sung hundreds of times.

Maybe thousands.

Most Sundays, I sing them without giving much thought to the lyrics. They are familiar companions, woven into the sanctity of the Mass.

But every now and then, a line catches me off guard.

I'll be standing in the pew singing words I've known for years when my eyes begin to sting. A tear slips down my cheek, my voice catches, and I find myself wondering why this song feels different today.

The words haven't changed. 

I have. 

There were seasons God felt far away. Looking back, I don't believe He ever was. 

One of those hymns is Be Not Afraid, a song built around the promise that God goes before us.

The tears that sometimes come during Be Not Afraid aren't necessarily born of sadness or joy. 

I think sometimes they're what happens when your heart recognizes a truth before your mind has fully put words around it. 

You hear: 

I go before you always.

And suddenly you're not hearing a lyric anymore.

You're seeing your own life.

You remember a younger version of yourself standing at the edge of something frightening, uncertain, or painful.

From where you stand today, you can see that God had already gone ahead of you.

Why does this song move me now? 

I think because I can look back and see God's grace threaded through my life in ways I couldn't always see at the time.

Why didn't it move me this way thirty years ago? 

Not because I loved it any less. I did. But back then it was simply a beautiful hymn. Life hadn't yet taught me what those words really meant. 

Over the years there have been joys and sorrows, celebrations and losses, answered prayers and unanswered questions. There were seasons when God felt close and seasons when He felt silent.

Yet, from where I stand now, I can see that He never stopped leading.

I used to think faith meant knowing where God was taking me.

Now I think faith is often taking the next step without knowing, trusting that He is already there.

Maybe that's why certain hymns seem to grow with us. The lyrics stay the same, but our understanding deepens. We hear them differently because life has changed us.

As I've gotten older, I've noticed that Be Not Afraid isn't the only hymn that reaches me differently now.

You Are Near reminds me that even during the seasons when God felt distant, He never truly left.

Here I am, Lord reminds me that much of life is spent answering a call before we know where it will lead.

And there are others. Different songs. The same promise.

God goes before us.

God walks beside us.

God calls us forward. 

These days, when I hear Be Not Afraid, I still sometimes find my eyes stinging unexpectedly.

Perhaps the tears come from gratitude for where God has already led me. Or perhaps they come from hope, from being reminded that whatever waits for me in the years ahead, I won't arrive there alone.

The words haven't changed.

But now I know something I didn't know when I first sang them.

Whatever lies ahead, God is already there.

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